Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Birthday

Whitney and I before dinner
I turned the very anticipated 21 last week on December 1st. I had really high hopes in my head about how I wanted to celebrate, but it turned out to be a quiet celebration with those that love me the most close to me. I spent the day with Whitney- lingerie shopping (of course) and watching the Disney channel. She was so excited for my birthday and it really helped me get excited as well.That night I invited all my close friends to go to Happy Sumo for my birthday dinner- it was a random, but fun group. I really appreciated all the people I love being willing to come together and be around me as I celebrated.

After dinner, I went up to the Owl Bar at Sundance. There were only four of us there... the snow was falling outside and it was so great to just sit and talk around the fire.
Birthdays to me are a big deal... I think it is so important to have one day a year to celebrate our friend's and family's lives. I wish that I would tell the people in my life how much they mean to me more often, so I love birthdays to make a whole day about them.
I kept thinking on my birthday- what makes this day special? That is what I ultimately came up with- December the first is the day that my Heavenly Father chose to put me on Earth and let me begin my mortal journey. God controls two very important things in this life, the day we enter the world and the day we leave. I kept thinking how grateful I am to be alive and how each birthday marks a year of lessons learned and experiences had. I am looking forward to this next trip around the sun... I think some big things will be happening. :)

I'm grateful to all the people who remembered me on my birthday- even people I havent seen in years, just to say happy birthday and that they were thinking of me. Im also grateful to the people who helped me make my birthday special. YAY for being 21.... oh the possiblities are endless.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sister <3


Tonight I got to have a brief chat with my lovely sister, Cassandra Marie. After we caught up a little bit and she left to go to a meeting, I got to thinking about what she means to me. I am so grateful that God saw it fit to bless me with a best friend for eternity. I will never stand alone or have to face any burden not knowing that there will be someone there to wipe my tears.
Cassandra Marie is no ordinary woman. She is a woman of virtue, integrity, charity, intelligence, strength, and beauty. I have always looked up to her so much. She sees the world in a different way than everyone else. Where there is shadow, she finds light, where there is sadness, she spreads joy, where there is hurt, she brings comfort. She is so elegant with words- an amazing writer. She doesn't think about simple things- but rather digs for all that life has to offer by discovering new ways to think about the world.
I have followed in her footsteps in so many ways. She inspired me to dance ballet. She inspired me to find a deeper meaning in art. She inspired me to show charity to the world.
People who have had the opportunity to meet her know she is a rare gem. God spent a little extra time when he created her and I must have done something right for Him to let me have her as a sister. I share a bond with her that is untouchable by any other relationship the world could offer. She knows the deepest parts of me and still loves me. For that, my heart will always been overwhelmed with gratitude. I love you more than words could ever express, Cassandra Marie... you are my best friend. Im so excited for all the events you have coming up in your life in the next year. You deserve it all and more- nothing less than the best. xo

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Free Write




There is a way of writing where you just write every thought that comes into your head. Im feeling a lot right now but cant seem to find the words to describe everything Im thinking. So Im going to free write. Kinda risky to free write and then post it- but Im up for the adventure.

I'm listening to my favorite song right now by Sting, "When We Dance". There is something magical to me about the way he describes his love for this mystery woman. "Im gonna find a place to live- give you all Ive got to give. I will love you more than life if you will only be my wife." I am so thankful for those people in the world like Sting who can find the words to express the feelings that words seem to belittle. I have never been
blessed with the right words at the right time. I think that will be a magical day, when I can have an overwhelming feeling of love for someone and be able to find the words to express my love to them.
I feel so strange being caught up in so many emotions for so many guys in my life. I wish it wasnt so complicated. There are so many levels of love. I dont think love is cut and dry- either you love someone or you dont. In other languages, there are different words for love that describe the kind of love you have someone. Some mean love as a friend. Some mean love as an acquaintance. Some mean I really like you. Some mean Im intrigued with you- lets see where this goes. Some mean I want to wake up to you everyday f
or the rest of my life. Why is it that we only have one word for love?
I find myself caught in yet another love triangle, square, pentagon (based on players involved) and I wish there was an easy way to sort out my feelings. But the truth is everyday at different parts of the day, I feel a different way. There are even times when I've thought Ive made my mind up about this one guy- he is the one. Only to hours later think- naw Im not ready for that kind of commitment yet. Does that mean something is wrong with me? Do other people ever think that way? Maybe Im messed up.
Why does it seem to be the hardest thing in the world
to fall in love? I want someone to write songs for me like Sting wrote. "If he loved you, like I love you, I would walk away in shame. Id move town, Id change my name. When he watches you, when he comes to buy your soul. On your hand is golden rings like he owns a bird that sings. When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings. You're my priestess, my soul salvation. It is in the ballad of the angels. Im underneath the wheels of passion. I keep my faith in your passion. Im gonna love you night and day, Im gonna try in every way. Im gonna find a place to live, give you all I got to give. He wont love you, like I love you. He wont care for you this way. He will mistreat you if you stay. Come on live with me, we'll have children of our own. I would love you more that life, if you'd only be my wife. " I wonder what that kind of life is like. I think I got a taste of it, but what an amazing
thing if you were one of the select few people on this Earth to experience a love like that. I think that is what I want more than anything.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Choice


I just finished reading The Choice by Og Mandino. It is basically an overview of how he gave up his life in business, to write so he could spend more time with his family. I found it interesting, but it was in the final pages that I found my personal connection to it. Here is an excerpt from Page 149.

I choose a better way to live!
Henceforth, my pursuit of happiness has ended. How blind I have been! Now I know that happiness hides not in that new house, that new career, that new friend. And it is never for sale. When I cannot find contentment in myself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. Whenever I depend on things outside myself to supply me with joy I am doomed to disappointment. Happiness, I see now, has nothing to do with getting. It consists of being satisfied with what I've got and what I haven't got. Few things are necessary to make the wise man happy while no amount of material wealth should satisfy a fool. I am not a fool. I have drawn a circle around me. Whenever I reach across it I will be giving, not taking. My needs are few. So long as I have something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for, I shall be happy. Now I know that the only source of happiness is within me, and I will begin to share it. Like a perfume, I know that I cannot pour it on others without getting a few drops on myself. (emphasis added)

I bolded the parts of this quote that made me really think. I am conflicted with what he wrote. I am filled with happiness when I close my eyes and feel the sun on my face, when I listen to my favorite songs, when i take Harley rides on perfect days, when I lie on the back of a speedboat, sun bathing, or when I made dinner for my family. In those instances, yes I choose that they made me happy, but it was infact the event or action that brought about my ability to choose happiness. Perhaps Mr. Mandino is saying that those things dont bring real happiness. But then what is real happiness? Does it have to last at least a few hours or a couple days for it to be real?
When I cannot find contentment in myself, I rely on those who love me to share with me their happiness to bring mine back. I agree that to spread happiness to others is to bring it to myself, but on days when I dont have any energy left to fight the tides of stress and disappointment, I need those people in my life to lift my spirit and take me on a Harley ride.

I think that happiness lies in finding our true passion; in knowing who we are. It is easier to fight the battles of disappointment, loss, and sadness when we have the blessing of a clear mind. Knowing who we are and what our passion is-brings about happiness. It is that knowledge that gives us courage to fight for our happiness because it is made easier.
So I agree with most of what Mr. Mandino said- but the edited for Mitzi version would say:
So long as I live my passion, love freely and am loved freely, and have something to look forward to, I shall be happy.

Looks like that is my new quest- discover my passion and fall in love :) I'll keep you posted if that was the right recipe.

The above painting is "Enchantment" by Marc Chagall... I thought it was perfect to represent love, passion, and things hoped for.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Autumn


Autumn is my favorite season: colors, crisp air, holidays, memories. Unlike Montana, Utah actually has an autumn and I have been loving it. In the beginning of October, I went up to Sundance with all my favorite friends in Provo for a Sunday adventure. I used my friend Barrie's camera and we took some good pictures, I cant remember who took what, but they are all amazing. I wanted to put these up on my blog because it was one of my favorite days in Utah thus far.
The boys :) Nick, Barrie, Kevin, and Jake
Barrie and I
The Gang: Jake, Kevin, Whitney, Lex, Nick, me, Barrie
We took the lift ride up- compliments of the amazing Devon
My Roomies- me, Whitney, Lexi

Love you all.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Love


It is no secret that as a 21 year old girl, the subject of love and relationships is often on my mind. Thus far, I seem to have failed miserably. But then again, my mom told me that the hard things about love is that you really only succeed once. I hope that all the times we fail make us appreciate the one person who we love. If that is the case, so far he is going to be one appreciated fella. :)

I am a romantic at heart. I love the Beatles and having experienced my small sliver of life, I know it is true that "All you need is Love". There is no experience on Earth that brings us more pleasure or pain. The one time I was really in love was the most amazing experience I have had thus far. Waking up everyday smiling, completely twitterpated. Sharing memories together that have influenced me so deeply, I changed as a person. Contrastly, feeling more pain that I thought I could ever physically bare. Waking up everyday physically sick, unable to move. Remembering the time spent and knowing there will never be a day like those days you shared, as those people you were.

My girlfriend and I both went through our first real break-up since we have been at college. We were talking about it and the question got brought up, "Is the pain you feel when it is over worth the good times you had together?" Her almost two-year relationship ended very sourly with lies and pain and even with over a year to heal, she still feels it wasn't worth it. My one and a half year relationship just barely ended, for like the hundredth time, and thinking about it, I can say it was worth it. Dont get me wrong, after the break-up I didn't eat or sleep for weeks and felt so much pain I actually wanted to die rather than feel so alone and crippled everyday. But man, did i learn a lot from Craig. It is hard to resent the people who come into our lives because each one has shaped us in some way. Whether it is a new found like or dislike, new place to go and think, new opinion held, or a favorite band discovered.

Each guy I have dated has shaped me in some way. Even though now I look back and cringe thinking about some of the aspects of my past relationships, Im grateful for what I learned. I guess that is what this entire blog was about- realizing that yes the pain is a bitch and some memories may make us cringe, but ultimately, be grateful. Im grateful.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Oh my hell, Im a blogger!

Nothing in life happens by coincidence. Today I am starting my blog because today is the day I was meant to. I didn't wake up this morning knowing like a birthday that this was a special day- a day to be remembered. Rather, a series of events finally came to a head, and I made the decision to start documenting my search for meaning. I never thought of myself as a blogger. To me, interesting people with something to share with the world blogged. I (not knowing exactly who I am or what I have to share) thought a blog would be meaningless for me. Then an friend, recently turned lover, shared with me his blog. I was so impressed by the events and thoughts- the no-inhibition approach to being completely exposed, completely naked for the world to see and possibly judge. Then today, my most lovely sister brought me a little care package and somehow the fact that she has a blog and has been blogging for over a year and I had NO IDEA!!! made me realize- my hell, it is my time to blog.
Before we get any further along, lets make one thing clear. This blog is not for you. Yeah, you- person reading on your computer the words that I have written. If you come across this and somehow find some reflection or deeper meaning in your own life, then PEACHY KEEN. But just know that these words are for me. I will never apologize for what I have written. If you're like wow, boring, she has been talking about that boy for like 5 pages now, then MOVE ON.

Ok, ok so onto the juicy stuff!!

What I want more than anything is to know my place in this crazy, huge world. To figure out why I do what I do. Why I feel what I feel. Sometimes, I close my eyes and when I open them, I question everything I see. How do I know Im really seeing what Im seeing? What is reality? I see things, I can touch them, I know the name we as humans have given it, but what the hell is it!? Some say molecules, atoms, chemistry, colors, physics, blah, blah, blah. What does it all mean? When I wake up and I have feeling of anxiety- why? What am I scared of? When I lack motivation, why? What even is motivation and why don't I have it? I see other humans and think- how am I connected to you? I don't know anything about you, you don't know anything about me (except for what each other look like, which even that I don't know what is), and yet, small decisions we both make effect each other.
As you can now see, I really need a method to sort all this out in my head. hahaha I wonder if everyone thinks this way, or there is only a select few of us given this blessing and curse.
This is my quest- to answer these questions.
I was drawing the other day (Im no artist at all, I just do it for the enjoyment of putting my soul on paper) and to draw what something is, I draw what it's not. To draw a sunflower, I draw the shading around the flower, the darkness and void, I fill the space of everything it's not. After thousands of strokes, its beauty is finally seen. I've decided this is my approach to discovering me. This blog will be my experiences and thoughts. Some things I will share that I have discovered aren't me, and along the way, whats left will be- Mitzi.