Thursday, October 29, 2009

Autumn


Autumn is my favorite season: colors, crisp air, holidays, memories. Unlike Montana, Utah actually has an autumn and I have been loving it. In the beginning of October, I went up to Sundance with all my favorite friends in Provo for a Sunday adventure. I used my friend Barrie's camera and we took some good pictures, I cant remember who took what, but they are all amazing. I wanted to put these up on my blog because it was one of my favorite days in Utah thus far.
The boys :) Nick, Barrie, Kevin, and Jake
Barrie and I
The Gang: Jake, Kevin, Whitney, Lex, Nick, me, Barrie
We took the lift ride up- compliments of the amazing Devon
My Roomies- me, Whitney, Lexi

Love you all.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Love


It is no secret that as a 21 year old girl, the subject of love and relationships is often on my mind. Thus far, I seem to have failed miserably. But then again, my mom told me that the hard things about love is that you really only succeed once. I hope that all the times we fail make us appreciate the one person who we love. If that is the case, so far he is going to be one appreciated fella. :)

I am a romantic at heart. I love the Beatles and having experienced my small sliver of life, I know it is true that "All you need is Love". There is no experience on Earth that brings us more pleasure or pain. The one time I was really in love was the most amazing experience I have had thus far. Waking up everyday smiling, completely twitterpated. Sharing memories together that have influenced me so deeply, I changed as a person. Contrastly, feeling more pain that I thought I could ever physically bare. Waking up everyday physically sick, unable to move. Remembering the time spent and knowing there will never be a day like those days you shared, as those people you were.

My girlfriend and I both went through our first real break-up since we have been at college. We were talking about it and the question got brought up, "Is the pain you feel when it is over worth the good times you had together?" Her almost two-year relationship ended very sourly with lies and pain and even with over a year to heal, she still feels it wasn't worth it. My one and a half year relationship just barely ended, for like the hundredth time, and thinking about it, I can say it was worth it. Dont get me wrong, after the break-up I didn't eat or sleep for weeks and felt so much pain I actually wanted to die rather than feel so alone and crippled everyday. But man, did i learn a lot from Craig. It is hard to resent the people who come into our lives because each one has shaped us in some way. Whether it is a new found like or dislike, new place to go and think, new opinion held, or a favorite band discovered.

Each guy I have dated has shaped me in some way. Even though now I look back and cringe thinking about some of the aspects of my past relationships, Im grateful for what I learned. I guess that is what this entire blog was about- realizing that yes the pain is a bitch and some memories may make us cringe, but ultimately, be grateful. Im grateful.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Oh my hell, Im a blogger!

Nothing in life happens by coincidence. Today I am starting my blog because today is the day I was meant to. I didn't wake up this morning knowing like a birthday that this was a special day- a day to be remembered. Rather, a series of events finally came to a head, and I made the decision to start documenting my search for meaning. I never thought of myself as a blogger. To me, interesting people with something to share with the world blogged. I (not knowing exactly who I am or what I have to share) thought a blog would be meaningless for me. Then an friend, recently turned lover, shared with me his blog. I was so impressed by the events and thoughts- the no-inhibition approach to being completely exposed, completely naked for the world to see and possibly judge. Then today, my most lovely sister brought me a little care package and somehow the fact that she has a blog and has been blogging for over a year and I had NO IDEA!!! made me realize- my hell, it is my time to blog.
Before we get any further along, lets make one thing clear. This blog is not for you. Yeah, you- person reading on your computer the words that I have written. If you come across this and somehow find some reflection or deeper meaning in your own life, then PEACHY KEEN. But just know that these words are for me. I will never apologize for what I have written. If you're like wow, boring, she has been talking about that boy for like 5 pages now, then MOVE ON.

Ok, ok so onto the juicy stuff!!

What I want more than anything is to know my place in this crazy, huge world. To figure out why I do what I do. Why I feel what I feel. Sometimes, I close my eyes and when I open them, I question everything I see. How do I know Im really seeing what Im seeing? What is reality? I see things, I can touch them, I know the name we as humans have given it, but what the hell is it!? Some say molecules, atoms, chemistry, colors, physics, blah, blah, blah. What does it all mean? When I wake up and I have feeling of anxiety- why? What am I scared of? When I lack motivation, why? What even is motivation and why don't I have it? I see other humans and think- how am I connected to you? I don't know anything about you, you don't know anything about me (except for what each other look like, which even that I don't know what is), and yet, small decisions we both make effect each other.
As you can now see, I really need a method to sort all this out in my head. hahaha I wonder if everyone thinks this way, or there is only a select few of us given this blessing and curse.
This is my quest- to answer these questions.
I was drawing the other day (Im no artist at all, I just do it for the enjoyment of putting my soul on paper) and to draw what something is, I draw what it's not. To draw a sunflower, I draw the shading around the flower, the darkness and void, I fill the space of everything it's not. After thousands of strokes, its beauty is finally seen. I've decided this is my approach to discovering me. This blog will be my experiences and thoughts. Some things I will share that I have discovered aren't me, and along the way, whats left will be- Mitzi.