Nothing in life happens by coincidence. Today I am starting my blog because today is the day I was meant to. I didn't wake up this morning knowing like a birthday that this was a special day- a day to be remembered. Rather, a series of events finally came to a head, and I made the decision to start documenting my search for meaning. I never thought of myself as a blogger. To me, interesting people with something to share with the world blogged. I (not knowing exactly who I am or what I have to share) thought a blog would be meaningless for me. Then an friend, recently turned lover, shared with me his blog. I was so impressed by the events and thoughts- the no-inhibition approach to being completely exposed, completely naked for the world to see and possibly judge. Then today, my most lovely sister brought me a little care package and somehow the fact that she has a blog and has been blogging for over a year and I had NO IDEA!!! made me realize- my hell, it is my time to blog.
Before we get any further along, lets make one thing clear. This blog is not for you. Yeah, you- person reading on your computer the words that I have written. If you come across this and somehow find some reflection or deeper meaning in your own life, then PEACHY KEEN. But just know that these words are for me. I will never apologize for what I have written. If you're like wow, boring, she has been talking about that boy for like 5 pages now, then MOVE ON.
Ok, ok so onto the juicy stuff!!
What I want more than anything is to know my place in this crazy, huge world. To figure out why I do what I do. Why I feel what I feel. Sometimes, I close my eyes and when I open them, I question everything I see. How do I know Im really seeing what Im seeing? What is reality? I see things, I can touch them, I know the name we as humans have given it, but what the hell is it!? Some say molecules, atoms, chemistry, colors, physics, blah, blah, blah. What does it all mean? When I wake up and I have feeling of anxiety- why? What am I scared of? When I lack motivation, why? What even is motivation and why don't I have it? I see other humans and think- how am I connected to you? I don't know anything about you, you don't know anything about me (except for what each other look like, which even that I don't know what is), and yet, small decisions we both make effect each other.
As you can now see, I really need a method to sort all this out in my head. hahaha I wonder if everyone thinks this way, or there is only a select few of us given this blessing and curse.
This is my quest- to answer these questions.
I was drawing the other day (Im no artist at all, I just do it for the enjoyment of putting my soul on paper) and to draw what something is, I draw what it's not. To draw a sunflower, I draw the shading around the flower, the darkness and void, I fill the space of everything it's not. After thousands of strokes, its beauty is finally seen. I've decided this is my approach to discovering me. This blog will be my experiences and thoughts. Some things I will share that I have discovered aren't me, and along the way, whats left will be- Mitzi.