Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sister <3

Tonight I got to have a brief chat with my lovely sister, Cassandra Marie. After we caught up a little bit and she left to go to a meeting, I got to thinking about what she means to me. I am so grateful that God saw it fit to bless me with a best friend for eternity. I will never stand alone or have to face any burden not knowing that there will be someone there to wipe my tears.
Cassandra Marie is no ordinary woman. She is a woman of virtue, integrity, charity, intelligence, strength, and beauty. I have always looked up to her so much. She sees the world in a different way than everyone else. Where there is shadow, she finds light, where there is sadness, she spreads joy, where there is hurt, she brings comfort. She is so elegant with words- an amazing writer. She doesn't think about simple things- but rather digs for all that life has to offer by discovering new ways to think about the world.
I have followed in her footsteps in so many ways. She inspired me to dance ballet. She inspired me to find a deeper meaning in art. She inspired me to show charity to the world.
People who have had the opportunity to meet her know she is a rare gem. God spent a little extra time when he created her and I must have done something right for Him to let me have her as a sister. I share a bond with her that is untouchable by any other relationship the world could offer. She knows the deepest parts of me and still loves me. For that, my heart will always been overwhelmed with gratitude. I love you more than words could ever express, Cassandra Marie... you are my best friend. Im so excited for all the events you have coming up in your life in the next year. You deserve it all and more- nothing less than the best. xo

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Free Write

There is a way of writing where you just write every thought that comes into your head. Im feeling a lot right now but cant seem to find the words to describe everything Im thinking. So Im going to free write. Kinda risky to free write and then post it- but Im up for the adventure.

I'm listening to my favorite song right now by Sting, "When We Dance". There is something magical to me about the way he describes his love for this mystery woman. "Im gonna find a place to live- give you all Ive got to give. I will love you more than life if you will only be my wife." I am so thankful for those people in the world like Sting who can find the words to express the feelings that words seem to belittle. I have never been
blessed with the right words at the right time. I think that will be a magical day, when I can have an overwhelming feeling of love for someone and be able to find the words to express my love to them.
I feel so strange being caught up in so many emotions for so many guys in my life. I wish it wasnt so complicated. There are so many levels of love. I dont think love is cut and dry- either you love someone or you dont. In other languages, there are different words for love that describe the kind of love you have someone. Some mean love as a friend. Some mean love as an acquaintance. Some mean I really like you. Some mean Im intrigued with you- lets see where this goes. Some mean I want to wake up to you everyday f
or the rest of my life. Why is it that we only have one word for love?
I find myself caught in yet another love triangle, square, pentagon (based on players involved) and I wish there was an easy way to sort out my feelings. But the truth is everyday at different parts of the day, I feel a different way. There are even times when I've thought Ive made my mind up about this one guy- he is the one. Only to hours later think- naw Im not ready for that kind of commitment yet. Does that mean something is wrong with me? Do other people ever think that way? Maybe Im messed up.
Why does it seem to be the hardest thing in the world
to fall in love? I want someone to write songs for me like Sting wrote. "If he loved you, like I love you, I would walk away in shame. Id move town, Id change my name. When he watches you, when he comes to buy your soul. On your hand is golden rings like he owns a bird that sings. When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings. You're my priestess, my soul salvation. It is in the ballad of the angels. Im underneath the wheels of passion. I keep my faith in your passion. Im gonna love you night and day, Im gonna try in every way. Im gonna find a place to live, give you all I got to give. He wont love you, like I love you. He wont care for you this way. He will mistreat you if you stay. Come on live with me, we'll have children of our own. I would love you more that life, if you'd only be my wife. " I wonder what that kind of life is like. I think I got a taste of it, but what an amazing
thing if you were one of the select few people on this Earth to experience a love like that. I think that is what I want more than anything.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Choice

I just finished reading The Choice by Og Mandino. It is basically an overview of how he gave up his life in business, to write so he could spend more time with his family. I found it interesting, but it was in the final pages that I found my personal connection to it. Here is an excerpt from Page 149.

I choose a better way to live!
Henceforth, my pursuit of happiness has ended. How blind I have been! Now I know that happiness hides not in that new house, that new career, that new friend. And it is never for sale. When I cannot find contentment in myself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. Whenever I depend on things outside myself to supply me with joy I am doomed to disappointment. Happiness, I see now, has nothing to do with getting. It consists of being satisfied with what I've got and what I haven't got. Few things are necessary to make the wise man happy while no amount of material wealth should satisfy a fool. I am not a fool. I have drawn a circle around me. Whenever I reach across it I will be giving, not taking. My needs are few. So long as I have something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for, I shall be happy. Now I know that the only source of happiness is within me, and I will begin to share it. Like a perfume, I know that I cannot pour it on others without getting a few drops on myself. (emphasis added)

I bolded the parts of this quote that made me really think. I am conflicted with what he wrote. I am filled with happiness when I close my eyes and feel the sun on my face, when I listen to my favorite songs, when i take Harley rides on perfect days, when I lie on the back of a speedboat, sun bathing, or when I made dinner for my family. In those instances, yes I choose that they made me happy, but it was infact the event or action that brought about my ability to choose happiness. Perhaps Mr. Mandino is saying that those things dont bring real happiness. But then what is real happiness? Does it have to last at least a few hours or a couple days for it to be real?
When I cannot find contentment in myself, I rely on those who love me to share with me their happiness to bring mine back. I agree that to spread happiness to others is to bring it to myself, but on days when I dont have any energy left to fight the tides of stress and disappointment, I need those people in my life to lift my spirit and take me on a Harley ride.

I think that happiness lies in finding our true passion; in knowing who we are. It is easier to fight the battles of disappointment, loss, and sadness when we have the blessing of a clear mind. Knowing who we are and what our passion is-brings about happiness. It is that knowledge that gives us courage to fight for our happiness because it is made easier.
So I agree with most of what Mr. Mandino said- but the edited for Mitzi version would say:
So long as I live my passion, love freely and am loved freely, and have something to look forward to, I shall be happy.

Looks like that is my new quest- discover my passion and fall in love :) I'll keep you posted if that was the right recipe.

The above painting is "Enchantment" by Marc Chagall... I thought it was perfect to represent love, passion, and things hoped for.