Monday, July 12, 2010

Yellow





My name in Navajo means Yellow. When my dad was making the Yellowstone documentary he interviewed a chief of the Navajos and the chief explained they call Yellowstone "Mitzi Adazi". This means yellowstone in direct translation. Most people think yellowstone refers to the yellow and red stones found all over the park, but rather, it was what the natives called GOLD. To them gold has little value, but they found gold all over Yellowstone back in the day and therefore it was called Mitzi Adazi. I love things that seem to be ordinary, but when you dig a little deeper, a treasure is unfolded.


Pearls


This Painting by Vermeer Started it all.... It is my favorite painting in the world. I feel such a deep connection to the girl. It is as if she is trying to fulfill the role the earring makes her play. She is so delicate, yet holds herself with such strength and grace. There is a longing in her eyes that is deceived by the upwards curl of her lips. She is a mystery, confused even by herself.


No blog on pearls would be complete without a picture of Aubrey wearing her Tiffany's pearls. Aprons and Pearls was a club my best friend Clara and I started in high school. It is centered around renaissance women- educated, strong, witty, beautiful, strong, talented, musical, homemakers. Women who could run the world, but instead choose to stay at home and use all their talents to bless the lives of their own families. This is the woman I choose to be.


"The formation of a natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell, which irritate s the mantle. It's kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. The oyster's natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. The man tle covers the irritant with layers of the same nacre substance that is used to create the shell. This eventually forms a pearl."


I have always been fascinated with pearls. The idea that something so beautiful is created from a single grain of sand is phenomenal. Even more so, it is the treasure created by the oyster overcoming the trial of invasion. I hope that through my challenges I come out producing pearls of my own.




Sunday, July 4, 2010

Illusions are dangerous people; they have no flaws.

I wake. My first thoughts are of you. Even my subconscious mind can't keep from indulging in poison.

I shouldn't be surprised my stomach is a black hole. It was once filled with the most exhilarating butterflies. Easy to leave a void.

I carry on. I move. Faking a smile. Fighting tears every time a memory cripples me.
You always could tell my real ones from the fake. It let me give up all the things I used to hide behind it for a while. But then even you didn't like what you saw.

I try anything to escape. But your ghosts likes to haunt me; fishing around the river bend, swimming in the hot tub, holding me in my bed, holding my hand in the theater, kissing my neck, touching my skin.
Situations the same. The players have warped.

I ache as I realize my mistakes. I wish I could change all the things Im so powerless over.
So many lessons learned. My silence would have spoken truth.

Illusions are dangerous people; they have no flaws.
Funny how my doubts have become my best memories of you.
You became your broken promises. Your truths make you a liar in the world you created around me.

The man I love doesn't exist. Never did. We both were just as infatuated with him.
Then again the girl that loved him doesn't either.
I was lost in the depths when your mouth no longer offered air.
I'm left gasping every time I get a call and it's not from you. When a day passes void of you. When she gets to feel your warmth as I'm laying shamed and naked alone.

Soon I'll be able to rid myself of the poison. Maybe then I'll stop killing pieces of myself.
Maybe then I will remember how to breathe.