Sunday, September 19, 2010

Change

What a challenge to look at the reality that has engulfed my life and accept it. This year has been a devistation of losses for me. Oh, I know what I'm supposed to say.. I've lost so many good friends but gained so many vital life lessons. Truth is all I feel is lost and alone. The more I try to grab on to reason the more it slips through my fingers.

My best friend Lexi and I split ways in April when our lives forked in very different directions. I believe in living a life of moderation, but she found it difficult to find the balance. After court dates, school trials, and parental intervention, she still didn't let it change her ways. She no longer cared for herself and therefore couldn't care for me. She treated me like trash and the more I tried to empathize with her the more she pushed me away. Now there is nothing left except anxiety and empty space between us.

My sister got stolen by her future husband. I don't harbor any bad feelings towards either of them and know they are in the next phase of life. My whole life I have been the baby and all my siblings got to go where I couldn't follow. One by one they left for college until all that was left was me in a big empty house. The truth is though that I miss her and I'm going to the rest of my life. She has once again gone where I cannot follow. I miss not having a person to be around who didn't make me edit my life. She knew everything about me and now there is noone who I can be around without having to put a face on for. It has caused me to isolate myself and I seem to be spending more time alone.

Lastly, Im sure we dont even have to say his damn name. Frankly I dont want to. But yeah- there WAS him too.

1 comment:

  1. Just read through your last entries and caught up. I love you. You are gold. You are never really alone. I did not abandon you. You are beautiful and should show people the real you without putting on faces. You will be surprised. If you lose friends, to hell with them! You will find many who remain and they will be better friends to you because of it. NOBODY puts baby in a corner- most importantly, not Baby, herself.

    ReplyDelete