Sunday, December 5, 2010

Love Languages

Tonight I am wondering if there is something to the "love languages" thing or I have just convinced myself of that. If there were no truth to it, then how is it possible for two people to love the hell out of each other but not feel that love? How is it possible that my boyfriend can spend four hours giving me a snowboarding lesson, then make me dinner, then do the dishes, then give me a back rub and I still don't feel fulfilled? Am I the most difficult person on the planet to love?
I KNOW that he loves me! I could count on one hand the number of guys I have met in my entire lifetime who would go to such great lengths for me. Is there something wrong with me? All day I found myself craving his touch. Craving his eye contact. Craving the words of expression of the love he has. It seems as though it is one of the great tragedies of my life- to love so much and know that love is returned and just not be able to FEEL it.
Maybe I just don't know how to receive love. Should I just adapt and learn to think, oh this means he loves me. Or is it something bigger than that? Is it an impulse like left or right handedness? Sure I could learn to write with my left hand, but going against my nature, will it ever look or feel as good?
I mean come on! My hell, the man did everything, including save me life, to show his love for me! I feel so guilty for wanting more- like a selfish child who was given a plethora of toys, but she begs for the only one she doesn't have.
I wanted him to lay down next to me. Brush the hair from my face, look into my eyes and tell me some sweet nothing about how much he loves me. But even then, how long does my fulfillment last? Maybe it is not a matter of how he gives love, but rather how much. I have an insatiable appetite for his love. Is that unhealthy in some way?
I feel like this whole situation is unfair. For it to work, it will have to be more difficult than it needs to be. For it to fail, we may be losing someone that loves us so deeply, it could be impossible for lightning to strike twice in such a marvelous way. For it to work, either he or I will have to threaten our nature and learn to give or receive love in a foreign way. It will either be a ridiculous amount of work for him, or me learning to coach myself through his love for me.
I love the man like crazy- never have I met someone I have loved so deeply. But if it takes so much for me to feel loved back, is it worth it? Is it worth to feel more loved by a man that I don't love as much? Obviously, that is a contradiction because if I don't love him as much, his expression of love towards me wont mean as much.
I dont know what the answer is... this is mitzi's search for understanding.