Saturday, January 29, 2011

A farewell

Death is a strange thing. Strang for me, as I don't like change. I am lucky that I haven't had many people close to me pass away, but is that really luck? I feel at a disadvantage, ill equipt, for I don't know what to do with this dark feeling; this uncomfortable demon called loss.
I ache for all that was lost. The wife who lost her companion. All he will never do. The child who will grow up without a father.
This really hits home. Maybe because I spoke with him, sat next to him, looked at him only two days ago. But really, it's deeper than that. It's the understanding of his dark place, the understanding that few know, and honestly I hope they never have to. The guilt for knowing and being unable to help, for I only have enough strength for me right now. The guilt for finding in myself that strength that not many of us in that dark pit can find. The guilt for feeling grateful that I could.
How can I face her? The understanding between us is too thick. I fear for her. This is one of those wounds of life that burnt so deep, it will never fully heal for her. Tragedy of life.
I can't help but feel dark, taunted by my own past demons. Mocking me. The weight of my nausea is unforgiving. It is difficult not to let those dark thoughts of poison in, for they spred. But I am strong today. Guilt or no guilt, I am grateful.
Remember the fragility of life. We never know when we may see someone for the last time. May we all treat those we love with the gentle affection we all need, every opportunity we get.

Goodbye Branden. May the world you are in now bring you the peace you couldn't find here.

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